Back to Basics

Have you ever done something for so long that you've forgotten what you're doing... or why you're doing it?  Like driving on a long, deserted road... getting lost in your thoughts... only to arrive at your destination with absolutely no idea how you got there. Sometimes, we just get stuck in cruise control... no longer intentional... no longer purposeful.  I know it happens to all of us, but lately, I seem to be a habitual offender.  While visiting North Carolina last month, Jamie and I had a really hard conversation, finally admitting, for the moment, that God doesn't want us in Providence.  An honest evaluation of my heart will reveal that I had hoped to be there by now.  (My school calendar would also reflect that same truth... my wishful thinking has COMPLETELY ruined my Fridays.)

But, by the same token, God has still placed Providence on our hearts and CONSTANTLY confirms that we cannot remain where we are, for a myriad of reason. So we keep moving forward... even traveling to Providence this weekend to look at houses and meet with community leaders and non-profits.  Yet, through all of this, God has also pressed upon us the need to "go back to the basics."  Sometimes we get so caught up in future plans that we forget the tasks right in front of us... or, in my case, it's just an unwillingness to recognize them because... well, let's be honest.... sometimes they aren't that much fun. Starting my school day at 6:00 am with one child and not finishing until 6:00 pm with the last one is exhausting... on my best day.  I literally feel like I'm living out the movie Groundhog's Day.  Some days I don't get out of my pajamas.  I don't put make-up on... I don't even brush my hair.  (I stop short of not brushing my teeth because that's just down-right gross... but I'm sure I've even had a few days when I didn't do that either.)

In the monotony of my life, I've forgotten His presence.  I've ignored His beauty... I've made things so complicated, when really.... it's so simple.  (Not easy, mind you... SIMPLE DOES NOT MEAN EASY!) I've stopped being intentional in my relationships... putting my life on hold... waiting for something to happen... all the while, missing out on what's actually happening right in front of me.  This weekend, I almost missed out on something AMAZING.  Something our family has been praying for for years. 

From the moment our eldest daughter learned about Jesus, she has wanted to share Him with her friends.  We've always opened up the invitation to her friends... to come to church, to the Fall Carnival, to Easter or Christmas services.  And, finally, after years... literally 5 years for one of her friends... two girls accepted the invitation.  (Two girls that don't come from Christian homes.)  Initially, the excitement was palpable... until I realized that it would mean not going to Providence for the next "Team Gathering."  I'll spare you the rambling that went on in my head... and my heart... but I will tell you that EVENTUALLY... I submitted to God's will, realizing, in the bigger picture, that taking these two girls to church was where our family needed to be.  Because we didn't try to cram everything in together... foregoing the Team Gathering... we went to second service... where there was a Baptism.  I sat back as I watched these girls soak it all in.  So incredibly excited that a seed was planted... completely humbled... yet AGAIN... at how God continually works it all out...

Today is Sydney's birthday.  Jamie and I got up early to take her to breakfast... just the three of us.  And we talked about Jesus the whole time.  It's as if Jesus has... FINALLY... become a part of our family.  God has a in temporary holding pattern... we understand that now.  But, when asked last night if we still feel that God wants us to go to Providence, our answer was a unified YES.  We still have a lot to learn.  And because of that, we want to extend this invitation.  We call it the L.I.T.E. Challenge.  For 30 days, we are committing to push into Jesus by participating in a daily devotional and daily challenge to live out your faith and love for Jesus.  If you're interested in the taking on the challenge, let me know.  There's a bracelet waiting for you!

http://liveintentionallythinketernally.blogspot.com/

"If I Chew on that I'll Choke!"

This was the response given to me by my husband after I emptied my heart to him yesterday morning. (Oh, I love his sense of humor!)  While, I know that his statement was only in hopes of bringing levity to a very intense conversation.... anytime I talk about my faith is a pretty intense conversation... there was also some truth nestled gently into the words he spoke.  Ever-so-slowly, God is peeling back layers and revealing more and more to us... changing us, transforming us... and it's completely wonderful. But, for me, it has also been utterly horrifying, because I can't seem to talk about it with anyone.  I've tried!  Believe me.  My inner circle is tight.  A handful of women that I love and adore... and that I usually have no problem venting my frustration to; sharing my heartache; looking to for encouragement or advice.  But, on this issue, for whatever reason, I can't. So, I've been going to God.

I've been seeking out time with Him (besides the ritualistic morning and nightly prayer.) I've been sprawling myself out on the floor, pleading with Him to do whatever He's going to do... and do it fast! (Yes, I know this doesn't work, but desperation makes you forget these things.) Plus, I'm doing all the other things: listening to podcasts every morning, listening to music that focuses me on Him, doing devotionals with the kids, reading Genesis with a fresh pair of eyes.... and it IS true that things are constantly being revealed, no matter how many times you've read the Scripture!) We're even reading Kisses from Katie every night with the kids... which is part of the reason I'm feeling so wrecked! (I should have taken my pastor's wife's advise and NOT read the book.  She knows me well enough to understand what a book like this can do to someone like me... which I'll save for another entry.)

So, yesterday, after my trip to the gym... and listening to yet another horrible (and incredibly wonderful)  sermon from Matt Chandler, I plopped myself down on the bed and was able to FINALLY pour out my heart... to my husband.  Poor guy never stood a chance. As the tears flowed and the words came tumbling out, you could see the concern on his face... not for me... for him.  God has been leading us... ever slowly... to this place where a decision has to be made: where we either TRULY pick up the cross and follow Him, or we sit on the sidelines and cheer for Jesus from afar.  A statement that might have some questioning my rationale, because I don't come across as a "sidelines-type" of person... to which I can only say this:  For me and my family, God has made it ABUNDANTLY clear that WE cannot live in suburbia and be true followers of Christ: the temptations are too big, the distractions too great, our acknowledge of Him and dependence on Him not nearly enough.  Reading a passage from Kisses from Katie struck a resounding chord, that I "fear" will resonate in my heart forever (written in her journal upon her return back to the States after a year in Uganda):

"I keep forgetting to ask God first to heal me, to fill me, to guide me, to rejoice with me.  I have to set aside 'time to pray' in the morning and at night instead of being in constant communication with Him. In Uganda, because I was so physically 'poor,' I was completely dependent on God and spiritually as wealthy as ever. As I sit here writing, I am frustrated with my own stupidity, my human willingness to step back into dependence on stuff and these places I swore I detested." p. 122

So much of what she wrote is also imprinted on my heart... without ever having been to Uganda. It's been that way for a while.  But, trying to talk about it in the past has been so difficult, especially with others.  For our family, God has made it clear that living by the standards of achievement, set by this world, is not for us.  But figuring out how to loosen the chains of this world, a tightening noose around our necks, has been a challenge... but not nearly as difficult as the choice we now face. God continues to encourage me.  He continues to reveal His power in my life.  He has restored a relationship with my eldest child that I feared would be forever crippled by my inability to surrender my heart completely to Him.  I have cried with my children and prayed, with them, that Jesus will bind their hearts from the pain they feel from living in this broken world.  I am constantly reminded that He alone has made a strong marriage stronger... that He has made a good life better.  When I look at these promises fulfilled, it makes walking away seem easier.  When I think about the moments of joy that I experience at the power of His hand... joy that I have never felt from the "comforts" of this world... it makes me want to drop everything and run... and this is what my husband felt he might choke on.  There is still so much to process and God still has so much to do in us... but we are starting to see the light.  He is so incredibly good.   

 

Fighting to Believe Revelation 1:8

" I am the Alpha and the Omega," says the Lord God, "who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty."  Revelation 1:8

The title of this entry isn't too encouraging, is it?  The thought of a self-professed Christian fighting to believe something so incredibly fundamental might be considered troubling to some... at times, I consider it troubling myself.  I've said it countless times within the confidence of my inner circle... and I say it here for the entire world to read... It is EASY to say I believe in Jesus... four simple words that my preschooler can say forwards and backwards... but, to REALLY believe Jesus... well... that's completely different.  And I believe this conflict... this glaring truth that is so evident in our society... is the bedrock of Matthew 25:31-46. And while I could sit here forever and postulate on the issue of dividing sheep and goats, it does nothing to help my unbelief.  

I long to believe that the God that knows the number of hairs on my head, that has me in the palm of His hands, is the same God that parted the Red Sea for Moses, that brought Lazarus back from the dead... I guess, truth be told, I long for my statement of belief to be matched by the life I live.  Because, if I'm honest, that's not always the case. I was convicted of this over and over again the past few weeks.  I struggle with living in this world.  I struggle to see others with the eyes of Jesus.  I struggle with not having enough money to pay the bills... I struggle with trusting God to provide the money to pay those bills!   I also think of those fleeting moments when God's glory was revealed.  I think of a man named Charles that we met on the street.  He asked for money and we offered him lunch.  Ten minutes later, over a quarter pounder and fries (Charles, not me!!!!), we talked about Jesus. Then the girls and I prayed with Charles, right in the middle of downtown.  One moment where what I professed with my lips and what I lived with my life... they met at a beautiful place that exemplifies His glory.  I long for more moments like that.  

Like so many things of late, this inevitably leads to thoughts of Providence.  What is our place there?  Why are we going?  (Is He really going to allow us to go!!??!!) The closer we get... the more unworthy we feel.  The closer we get... the more we realize that this is His deal, not ours.  Believe me, we've tried to make it our deal.  But, it's not.  It's just one of the many ways He's continuing to show me that He is, in fact, the Alpha and the Omega... encouraging my faith.  I'm also acutely aware of the ever present tension that I need in my walk with Jesus.  Like the links of a bicycle chain that need just the right amount of tension in order to work properly, I also need to recognize the unyielding tension in me as I walk with Jesus though this fallen world.  Like a salmon swimming up stream, always working, battling the torrents of water.  If it chooses not to swim, it is simply washed away.  

This world does not want me to believe that my God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  That He is just as powerful now as He was when He parted the Red Sea.  This world does not want me to fight to believe.  It wants me to be washed away in the currents of self-indulgence and self-righteousness, cramped schedules and technology overload.  And for that reason... I must fight all the harder.  

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God Shows His Hand... in the Hospital Waiting Room

This past weekend, I attended a local church here in North Carolina.  It's a huge church... at least, by my standards.  The entire sermon was thought provoking, challenging.  Honestly, I don't think I put my pen down once during the entire hour.  But of all the things I jotted down, it was this statements that struck a chord in my heart: Our prayers, so often, center around the absence of problems... but, instead, they should focus on the presence of God.  I immediately began to think about my countless prayers, wondering how many times I've actually prayed for the presence of God.  I know that I constantly ask Him to "show up" and solve my problems... but I was at a complete and total loss for the last time I simply asked for His presence to be revealed to me... not because I wanted anything from Him... but, because I simply wanted HIM. 

This has been my prayer ever since Sunday... praying for God's presence, encouragement that He is with me... and for that to be enough... for that to be MORE than enough.  I stopped praying for direction... stopped praying for "the fleece"... stopped praying for jobs or septic systems.  I've been "simply" praying for Him.  I say simple... but it really wasn't.  When you've constantly prayed... your entire life... for the gifts of God... it's anything but "simple" to pray for the presence of God (at least, for me)... because you're awash with the guilt and shame associated with your selfish motivations.   But, thankfully, God's grace and mercy covers all that... and, prasie God, He loves us enough to bless us despite our sinful ways.

So... back to the waiting room.  I was trying to catch up on email when I came across one from Becky at The Root Cellar.  They had received a negative determination letter for a grant I had written for the dental clinic.  It was one of those organizations that has a policy of not giving money to "religious programming" but, I applied anyway... because, last time I checked, dentistry didn't fall into the relm of religious programming.  Well... I guess the Trustees felt differently, because it was the fastest decline I have EVER seen in my 20 years of grant writing.  In my complete and utter frustration and (if I'm honest) disgust, I called Jamie to vent about the letter: my frustration that 20+ hours of work was tossed aside without any serious consideration for the need of our dental clinic and the people we help; the fact that the name of Jesus Christ is so offensive to some (not necessarily in this case... just a general thought that crosses my mind); that "Bridges to Nowhere" get millions of dollars in funding, but I can't get $19,000 for a digital x-ray machine! A little dramatic, but, I'm passionate about my work!

Well, I was unaware that an elderly lady, while fixing her coffee, was listening in to our conversation. As she was getting ready to leave, she slipped $20 under my coffee cup and said: "It's not $20,000, but it's a start.  Keep up the good fight."  As she walked away, I completely lost it.  All I could say was "Oh my God. I can't believe it" Over and over, through my sobs.  Poor Jamie thought I got bad news about my mom and was frantic for me to explain what was going on. Once I was able to compose myself, I was able to explain what had just happen... now constantly repeating "God is so good."  Now, obviously $20 is a far cry from $20,000... but this lady could have given me $1,000,000 and I wouldn't have been any more encouraged or excited at that exact moment.  God made His presence known... His encouragement tangible.  Without asking for a sign.  Without pleading for direction.  He gave me an incredible blessing... and I was able to understand and acknowledge that it came from Him. Again, He made me aware of the need to be obedient to the pricking of my heart in those wierd moments that involve reaching out to a complete stranger.  Realizing that He is much bigger that my insecurities, my inhibitions, my embarrassment.  That denying His prompting is, ultimately, refusing to acknowledge His presence and authority.  His presence in our lives is certain, our awareness... not so much.  I'm even more challenged by the thought of praying for His presence to be revealed... both TO me and THROUGH me! 

A Time of Prayer and Reflection

     Well, the past few weeks have been some of the most trying for us in this journey to Providence... our journey in life.  Two weeks ago, I left Jamie and the kids here in Maine as I ventured south to spend time with my mom as she continues treatment for cervical cancer.  Needless to say, the visit was emotionally draining.  Everyday, I found myself sitting in the middle of the waiting room at Duke's Cancer Center, surrounded by countless patients and their families.  More than once, I was overcome by emotions as I thought about the battle each of those individuals was undertaking: a childhood robbed, lives forever altered in ways that many never could have imagined... constantly reminded that everyday, every moment, matters. Like a shot in the arm, I was again inspired with ideas of "intentional living" in Providence... thinking of all the things God has placed on our hearts.  But, within moments of returning home, I was, once again, reminded that this road will not be easy.

     Our hope was to have the house on the market by now...but the way things are looking, we'll be lucky to have it on the market by the fall.  Still no job prospects for Jamie (or me, for that matter).  I'd be lying if I didn't admit to my frustration (or disappointment). But, it's at these times that I truly try to push into Him all the more.  That, unfortunately, isn't a natural instinct for me... but it's getting better.  And I truly feel that it's one of the things He's teaching me on this journey. 

     Wednesday night, I met my friend, Cindi, at chuch for an hour of prayer.  It was just the two of us, praying for Providence. It was such an amazingly sweet time, praying for the people, the city, for Jared and Rachel as they move into their new place, for the rest of the team as they begin their journeys to the east, for our family.  About 45 minutes into the prayer time, I completely lost it... just overwhelmed with everything...desperately wanting encouragement from Him.  Pleading with Him for direction.  Jamie and I find ourselves in this weird situation... we have absolutely no idea where our family is going to be in 6 months.  That's a scary place for people like us... but what's scarier is that we feel as if God is choosing to be silent for the moment.  I keep going back to something Beth Moore said in the James study:  It's easy to follow God when it's obvious that He's there... but it's our choice to follow Him when He's purposefully silent that brings about spiritual growth... that deepens our faith.  This is what I was praying for.  This is what caused me to be overcome with emotion. 

     That night, when I returned home, Jamie and I did something we've never done before: we watched worship teams on Youtube.  I wanted to show Jamie a particular song.  The next thing I knew, he was picking out different songs to listen to.  I couldn't help but laugh at the situation: Someone that refuses to sing on Sunday mornings was excited about worship songs on Youtube.  It was just a sweet reminder... encouragement... that even though God is seemingly silent, He's still at work.  And just in case your're curious, here's the link that started it off. This song has ministered to me tremendously the past few months.  I LOVE how this church and worship team truly worship God.  Inspiring! Rachel introduced me to this song when we sang at the Women's Conference in Providence.  I think I've watched this video, at least, 100 times since then... so much that Brayden sings it while he's doing his school work!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_Voi3JM8ZA
    

My Family IS My Ministry

***Okay... so here's my "warning" with this blog entry:  I am writing it with a heart that is heavy; emotions that are raw and a soul that is incredibly burdened... by my own pride.  I have no doubt that I will inevitably cringe at my transparency... probably sooner rather than later... but this is who I am at this exact moment.... and if I'm to learn anything from it, I must acknowledge it first... surrender it second and pray for His mercy as He works it out in me.  So, you've been warned ;)***

A few months ago, a good friend of mine made a comment that sat with me in an odd way, so to speak. She said that she envied the fact that I had a ministry.  And at the time, I was a little confused because, to be quite honest, I don't feel that way.  I'm kinda all over the board... and that's on purpose.  Whether it's The Root Cellar, or the jail, teaching preschool at church or a class at homeschool group... where there's a need, I try to fill it.  However, she soon clarified her comment... and it made me cringe: my family is my ministry. 

Now, I could expound for hours on why my familiy is my ministry AND why it isn't... just as much as I can share with you about how much I love and adore my familiy and how, at times, they drive me absolutely insane.  But the issue really isn't about ministry... it's about obedience.  It's about selfishness and pride.  It's about my need to acknowledge (and sometimes prove) that I have more to offer... talents and gifts that can  be utilized outside the relm of "family"... or maybe I just want others to realize that I spend almost every waking moment with my children....

Truth be told, I envy my friends that have careers... that have professional achievements... that have goals that include more than getting the laundry folded and put away AND cooking dinner (which, consequently, I hardly ever achieve!)  For me, motherhood is defined more by my failures than my achievements... the things I do wrong are underscored far more than the things I do right... and maybe that's really what's at the root of all this.  I don't want my family to be my ministry because I feel like as hard as I try, I just keep failing.

I constantly go back to very wise words that were once shared to me (thanks, Wendy Bland!):   My family is not for my satisfaction, but for my santification.  (And, yes, of course, they also provide me with a lot of satisfaction.) But the concept here is something we often miss.  One of the names of God is Jehovah-Mekaddishkem, the Lord who sanctifies.  He uses our families as a tool to lead us closer to Him... yet, for the longest time, I've been seeing my role more as a hinderance to my growth... (I've been using it as an excuse for not being able to do what I want to do...How's that for honesty?)

The picture attached was taken this morning.  Our family participated in the missions walk for our church.  Piper, pictured bottom right, raised $75 for the Peru missions team.  We all gathered together and walked 3.5 miles around Back Cove in Portland, stopping several times along the journey to pray for the team, the village they will be visiting and Food for the Hungry.  As Jamie and I walked hand in hand with the kids, it was hard to deny that our family IS our ministry... readily recognizing the fact that we aren't perfect and neither are they... but that our success and worth isn't measured in terms of achievement and failures, but, instead by the journey we choose to take... by the Navigator we choose to follow... through our obedience. 

(I'm still working on that part!)

  

An Eventful Weekend

Last weekend marked an important milestone for the church plant... the first meeting of the core team.  (It was also the first time that all three staff members... and their wives... were in Providence together!) The picture to the left was taken at the end of our evening and I think it accurately portrays the joy all of us were feeling... okay, except for Jamie.  But  Jared's picture actually shows a smile on Jamie's face.... I promise!

We were so excited to meet everyone    that we headed down to Manchester that morning.  After attending the last service at Manchester Christian Church, Dan let us hang out at Restoration House.  We packed a picnic lunch, a football and a Frisbee... which was eaten by the resident pooch.  Things have been so hectic the past few months.  All our free time has been filled with packing and painting that we haven't really stopped and enjoyed our family... at least not for an entire day.  So, this was a HUGE blessing.  Even better, Caroline got to hang out with us... which is ALWAYS a treat.  She even got Mr. Jamie to dance... at least I think that's what he calls it!

Once everyone arrived at Restoration House, we sat down to an AMAZING dinner... but, to be honest, EVERY meal I've had there has been pretty impressive.  Afterwards, we all gathered in the living room for a time of sharing, praying and worshipping.  It was really great to sit around and hear every one's story... how God had led them to this point.  Those of you that know our story can testify to how God's hand has been revealed in so many ways... well, the same can be said for everyone else... and that's pretty amazing.  As we went around the room, sharing the testimony that God is writing in all of us, so many were overcome with emotion.  It was a constant reminder of His goodness; of His faithfulness.

After everyone shared, Jared asked each couple to take a turn sitting in the middle of the circle while the other couples placed hands on them and prayed.  Now, anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE to pray... especially like this.  You feel His presence... His power.  But, just as important, it creates an intimacy within the team.  I've prayed for my "new friends" several times since that evening.  Jamie and I, together, have prayed for them.  Even though our meeting was brief and distance divides us for the time being... interceding on their behalf has created a fondness that I am so thankful for.

As our night concluded, Jared realized our evening together was actually the first church service for the Providence plant.  That's pretty cool!  Especially for us.  Our family has been a part of Eastpoint (also a Restoration House church plant) since the very first Sunday... over eight years ago.  The journey, while rough at times, has been such an amazing blessing.  We have been stretched and encouraged; tested.  He has pruned and molded us... sometimes with gentle hands... sometimes with a pick-ax... (but that's more of a reflection of my disobedience than anything else!)  As we drove home that night, we felt so blessed to be a part of that special moment in the life of this church.  We continue to pray that He will lead us to Providence... completely resigned to the fact that He's the only one that can get us there... because if it was up to me, we would be there now!

Continue to pray for Jared and Rachel as they transition out of Manchester.  The staff and their wives head out to Boot Camp soon.  Please, pray for them during this time.  I'm so excited to see what God is going to do through these three couples.  Their enthusiasm and love for the Lord is inspiring and infectious.

 (FYI:  Angie and Carson (Worship Leader) are standing next to Jamie and Katie and Josh (Small Groups and Outreach) are next to them.)